Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
