Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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