I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
