my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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