im drinking this country out of the recession.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
