what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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