She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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