Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
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