I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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