Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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