Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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