I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
