And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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