Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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