i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
