did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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