Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
