I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
