My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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