if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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