she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
