my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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