i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
