Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Randomize
