I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
