What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
