just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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