Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
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