I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
