My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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