True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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