And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
