Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
