There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
