She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
