Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
