I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
