Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
