I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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