I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
