Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You ruined the universe
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
