She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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