remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Randomize
