my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
