Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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