well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
