I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
