How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
