I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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