I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
