I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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