I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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