Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Randomize
